open the eyes of your heart

i wanted to give up today. i was faced with a setback and all i wanted to do was give up.

i feel like you're too dependent on me. grow some wings, without me where would you go?

sometimes, you need to learn how to step out of that comfort zone and learn to fly.

i feel like i'm giving in too much. i feel if i continue doing this to you, you'll never learn.

you're too stubborn. and honestly, sometimes, you don't take serious things seriously.

you take them as a joke. your health is not a joke. i want to shake you awake.

i want to shake you till your eyes open. i want to shake you till you realise you have to stand up for yourself. i want to shake you that you cannot be dependent on somebody and sometimes, you have to be on your own and spread your wings and fly. is this considered reaching out?

or is this considered, because i know you're wounded but you take me more than i am?

you don't love yourself enough.

i pray that your eyes will open, i pray for independence in your life, i pray that you will learn to take initiative.

i'm slightly peeved by what you're doing but i don't really want to end up telling you about it. i'll get mad. but you need to wake up. wake up. wake up. wake up. wake up.

please wake up. ._.

the part that was missing

i was jealous today. i guess it was envy and jealousy and you know what?

it hit me so bad, my mood changed. it takes a lot to change my mood.

okay, not really, besides words and thoughts but really, for a thought to change my entire mood, it really has to mean something. i feel so weird that i can't bring myself to tell anybody this today but i don't know, i just didn't know who to tell.

it feels weird not to. do we really need a best friend to tell our thoughts to?

and it feels even weirder when i can't tell my best friends because they wouldn't get it because they're not christian. yes, hi, this is a christian post but i guess you could try to understand where i'm going with this.

there was salvation in church today. and we all rejoiced and were all happy and cheery and clapping there was a part of me that was jealous. jealous because a thought went,"when will any of my friends get saved? when will that day come when i get to go down with a friend who wants to accept Jesus into their lives?" wow, i sound selfish.

i sound selfish. ._.

i feel so disconnected lately. like i can talk but there's a part of me that can still think separately while i'm talking. or i can listen to someone speak to me but i'm still separate from whatever i'm doing. i feel like i'm going mad.

i am so tired.

and i feel confused.

i don't know why but there are questions wavering in my head.

i was so discouraged today. day two of this seminar we were all forced to go meant we had to made goal settings for our studies and that meant writing the grades we wanted to see after the results of our national exams got out. the coach said we should be realistic and gave us examples.

you know what sucks? i can't do realistic goal settings for my maths because even if i did, i would just pass. and that just isn't good enough. ._. i need to work triply hard even if my maths teacher is just alright and that DNT is going to suck the living daylights out of me.

i don't understand why i'm so paranoid tonight, i don't understand why i'm so discouraged. i'm not mean to feel all this but yet i am. it makes me wonder if i'm doing things right. am i?

i don't know how long i can keep myself together.

"for those out there who are struggling, struggling with your parents looking down on you, struggling with what people say, what your relatives say, know that nobody in this world can judge you. not even yourself. only God can judge you."

one of teachers told us this today and i felt so impacted again. she's a christian and really, what she says make sense. nothing else matters but God.

i'm so paranoid right now. but okay. okay.

pms beginning, moods waning, cravings starting. ugh, bring this crap on. :l

faith without works is dead

i don't want to to be dead.

where's the esteem where's the love where's the esteem

why do you look down on yourself?

why do you look down on yourself?

i just can't, do this alone okay?

i'm not alone, i'm not alone, i know that. but when you're physically alone in one place, it's hard. we aren't alone, we aren't but i really just need the support.

i need to say that. i needed that. i can't do it alone.

i just want to be ok

you know what sucks? when you know you're face to face to a distraction and you know you're not suppose to go forward, you're not suppose to even touch that distraction but the curiousity in you just wants to know and step forward and you just feed yourself with the distraction.

i am so distracted today. and i've been online since 8pm to do DNT. i am not tired but i feel frustrated. with that distraction, with work, with teachers, with people. and that my negative emotions has really made me a real paranoid person and that i realised i thought some things wrongly and then it makes me wonder why i was so convinced in the first place.

and when you're so inspired and so eager to do something but at the same time you feel so helpless and useless and you sit there where you're suppose to do something but all you do is just sit there and ask God,"How?" and then you realise you feel the regret that everyone feels when that burden comes but yet it's too late. when you realise the people who has been there all the time are now gone and now you're just so unsure what to do.

stupid distraction, go away. go away.
never say you'll never like anybody because in the end, you'll never know what will hit you next. i gotta fight this away, i don't need to like a guy right now. not now.
sigh.

the cry of our hearts

i am tired as heck with being so much of a friggin' loner in school.

you know, i'm not saying that because i'm alone, i'm used to it, i'm used to not talking anybody, i'm used to being judged by others, i'm used to finding other schoolmates who aren't my classmates. i'm used to it. it's awkward as it always is but i'm okay, i'm alright. i'm okay. and i didn't mean to venture how life is for me in school but right now, i feel a lot worse.

but that's not the point, you know? this isn't the point.
i am tired of being so comfortable in the silence, so comfortable of being a ghost and being an actual lurker. i am tired of what people think of me, i am tired of being watched and today, i felt it. i had enough you know? i don't care what people think anymore, i don't want to live under my expectations because i let myself eat myself alive.

i was talking to carrie about souls. like, she's isn't a believer of Christ but i told her that it would be terrifying if a friend of mine that i didn't save came up to me on my judgement day and asked me why i didn't save them and why i let them fall into Hell. and it scares me, i don't want any of my loved ones to go to Hell. my heart is for coral but i feel so lost, it's hard to be in school, seeing all these people but yet you don't know how to begin.

i was on the bus home today and i wanted to cry because it started to hurt when i just imagined people, even people i didn't know dying. and all the sin in my school, it hurt. it just did. and i didn't know what to do. i really didn't know what to do. i want to do something. ._.

i don't want this to end up being empty words. i mean it.
even though i'm afraid i won't do anything again. .__.

i can't believe i really liked you to that extent. i was looking through my notebook and yeah, i guess i really did like you. a lot.

and now looking back, i'm getting bad goosebumps and facepalming myself thinking,"gosh, what the heck was i thinking back then?" and i was thinking of all the things i went through, i chose to look onto a guy to save me instead. gosh. gosh.

a little bit.

i think i'm crazy. i'm eating a lot. since i didn't really get to eat much new year goodies, i'm eating a lot tonight hah.

you know i blogged about commitment? it's still failing. gosh.

i had a dream on saturday night that i fell in love.

aghh, these dreams are so frustrating. i don't want to get into a relationship.
i don't wanna fall in love.

zero commitment

i'm too tired to study for chem. but i'm still able to type that out. what is this?
gosh, committing to my studies is really hard.

and really, it's God's grace that i'm able to memorise my salts right now. my homework?
agh. i need to commit.

why can't you see that God loves you and He is there for you every single second minute hour day week year all the time?

but you rather spend all that pining on somebody? .__.

i honestly have no idea where all those words came from. man.
drafted because i thought my opinion came out way too strong, hahah.

i don't want to follow death and all his friends

hey guys, it's another moody rant and this time, it may be a little offensive.
um, so yeah. it's pretty long and doesn't make a bit of sense but it's just what's been on my mind. happy reading? hah. hah.

i was thinking about relationships today. and i don't know, i think today i really made the decision of not ever getting into a relationship. yet.
though everyone wants to and i wanted to previously but i've thought about it long and hard, i don't think i ever want to anymore. and yes, even though i may crush on guys because i'm a girl but i don't think i ever want to be in a relationship.

you know, getting into a relationship is like getting into a search of finding the one. the one who'll get it why you're sad or why you're mad or why you're just crazy over little things. the one is the one you want to see when you open your eyes every morning, the one who will be there when you had the best day of your life or your very worst and the one is the one who you will have your kids with and grow old with and yeah. the one is your soulmate and he or she is out in this world and you wouldn't know who he or she is till that very day, you realise he or she is the elusive one. heck, he or she could be your neighbour, your classmate, the noisy guy who lives below you because he plays halo on his computer all day or the really mysterious girl in school who garners everyone's attention by the way she acts. you could have met him or her in the street and wouldn't have known. you wouldn't have known that she or he listens to michael buble or loves watching the star wars trilogy or likes singing at random like you do. you wouldn't have known.

now, that idea sounds really awesome doesn't it? yeah, me too. me too.
i don't know, the reality of it all is sinking into me and it's true you know, we are way too young to look for the one. and yeah, some people get real lucky and already have met the one but they wouldn't know. i know, you're feeling damn stubborn and thinking,"chey only, you don't get it. i like him or her and yeah, i am not too young okay." okay, up to you, it's really my opinion. it's my blog lol.

i once read this on a table in school. it wrote,"don't fall in love, it's better if you jump off a bridge." and i guess it's true, when you go through hardship and breakups, your heart breaks a million times. when the one you like or the one you deem you 'love' rejects you, your heart shatters and all you kinda lose the meaning to live. hi, i would like to say this. you were not born for this person, you are not living for this one girl or guy and i don't care what that secondhand serenade song says, you were not born to tell him or her that you love her or him. okay?

stop looking for somebody to love. don't be like bieber and make a song out of it. even if it's a nice song. he's too young, you are too young. and i sound like i know it and crap, but it's my blog, freedom of speech yo. you don't want to end up liking somebody and then your grades fall because you cannot concentrate. don't be like me. and if you can concentrate, well, kudos to you. stop searching for somebody to love.

it's not worth it right now. don't be like those people who killed themselves because they felt they lost all meaning to live just because they broke up with the people they loved. it's hard and all, but it just isn't worth it.

i've been thinking. i don't want to bare my vulnerability to any guy because i like him and only to get hurt time and time again. i don't want to keep on trying and believing even though i know one day i'll meet this guy. but it's not time, being a teenager is the prime of your life. falling in love may be part of the process as a teen but it's not the entire thing. i've seen so many people looking for love and they're still on that search but please, stop looking for love.

look at the people who already love you. your parents. your siblings. your friends. but you can tell me,"it's not the same."
yeah, it may feel like it isn't the same because you are telling yourself it's not the same. these people may not be the ones who you want to hug because you had a bad day or the ones you want to be there for you when you need somebody to talk to. you don't trust them well enough or they just don't get you. that's what you tell yourself but have you really given them the chance? okay, let's say you did and it failed. sorry, but it doesn't really give you the opportunity to look for somebody to love. ask yourself this question.

why do you need that special somebody?
is it because you envy couples? is it because you want to hold somebody's hand and talk about anything with them?

i don't know but i believe God is doing something in my heart because right now, i couldn't really bother about all these. and this is coming from somebody who has constant thoughts about finding the one. i'm serious.
gosh, i'm sounding a lot different from before. yes, i may still be an emotional monster and be scaring the shit out of people with my antisocial-ness and my issues but i don't need a guy. gosh. yeah, i may have like a gazillion thoughts how this guy could be and all and read and see all these amazing love stories but it's all in God's hands. and He knows and i knows, i'm clearly not ready for it. and i don't want to waste my last four years as a teenager searching for that one guy even though it gets really annoying when i see couples hahahha.

and maybe it's because of what happened in the past but i don't want to end up being hurt because these two years are my super crucial years and yeah. this is my opinion. yup.

gosh, i write so long alamak hahaha.

so amazingly tired but i think i thrive on writing things that are like, spilling out of my mind. i still keep dreaming about people, it sort of weirds me out but i guess they're just dreams.


today i was walking home and i saw this woman burning paper money.
and sometimes i just constantly ask God,"God, is this woman in Your mind?"
"God, are these people in Your mind?"

and i believe every single person is on His mind. and yeah.

yeah. yes, i don't really know why i wrote that hahaha.

don't let me go.

do you know how scared i am for you?
i know i can't transcend what i want to say to you in my words. i know that.

what am i suppose to do.

what am i suppose to do. ._.