the part that was missing

i was jealous today. i guess it was envy and jealousy and you know what?

it hit me so bad, my mood changed. it takes a lot to change my mood.

okay, not really, besides words and thoughts but really, for a thought to change my entire mood, it really has to mean something. i feel so weird that i can't bring myself to tell anybody this today but i don't know, i just didn't know who to tell.

it feels weird not to. do we really need a best friend to tell our thoughts to?

and it feels even weirder when i can't tell my best friends because they wouldn't get it because they're not christian. yes, hi, this is a christian post but i guess you could try to understand where i'm going with this.

there was salvation in church today. and we all rejoiced and were all happy and cheery and clapping there was a part of me that was jealous. jealous because a thought went,"when will any of my friends get saved? when will that day come when i get to go down with a friend who wants to accept Jesus into their lives?" wow, i sound selfish.

i sound selfish. ._.

i feel so disconnected lately. like i can talk but there's a part of me that can still think separately while i'm talking. or i can listen to someone speak to me but i'm still separate from whatever i'm doing. i feel like i'm going mad.