the cry of our hearts

i am tired as heck with being so much of a friggin' loner in school.

you know, i'm not saying that because i'm alone, i'm used to it, i'm used to not talking anybody, i'm used to being judged by others, i'm used to finding other schoolmates who aren't my classmates. i'm used to it. it's awkward as it always is but i'm okay, i'm alright. i'm okay. and i didn't mean to venture how life is for me in school but right now, i feel a lot worse.

but that's not the point, you know? this isn't the point.
i am tired of being so comfortable in the silence, so comfortable of being a ghost and being an actual lurker. i am tired of what people think of me, i am tired of being watched and today, i felt it. i had enough you know? i don't care what people think anymore, i don't want to live under my expectations because i let myself eat myself alive.

i was talking to carrie about souls. like, she's isn't a believer of Christ but i told her that it would be terrifying if a friend of mine that i didn't save came up to me on my judgement day and asked me why i didn't save them and why i let them fall into Hell. and it scares me, i don't want any of my loved ones to go to Hell. my heart is for coral but i feel so lost, it's hard to be in school, seeing all these people but yet you don't know how to begin.

i was on the bus home today and i wanted to cry because it started to hurt when i just imagined people, even people i didn't know dying. and all the sin in my school, it hurt. it just did. and i didn't know what to do. i really didn't know what to do. i want to do something. ._.

i don't want this to end up being empty words. i mean it.
even though i'm afraid i won't do anything again. .__.