man, i like this cold weather. i may be wearing my favourite uniqlo winter wear check shirt and a hoodie from korea meant for winter but i'm still cold. and i'm still really tired and no, i don't know why. okay, i only had like 7 hours of sleep today. I'M SUPPOSE TO SLEEP IN ON MY WEEKENDS.
so out of key manzx. z_z
yeah. generations vanguard makes me awkward hahahah. but i think i'll learn.
you know what's weird? i always have a problem when i go to church. not like with people or what, i get preoccupied with my thoughts, i get tired and that causes me not to able to concentrate and i just keep yawning and I REALLY DON'T KNOW where all that stupid yawning comes from. it's like something in me goes,"OH GO CHURCH/CELL AH. OKAY." -triggers joelyn chen's instant yawn function- -____- super sian+annoying. hahaha.
i was so disconnected today. i don't know why, i just was. i was convinced i was gonna end up crying on my own today with God but that didn't happen. like, you know you're gonna cry because you know God is there but then something doesn't trigger it until someone says something or prays for you or i don't know, circumstances? it just didn't happen.
i prayed for like three people today. accomplished? maybe, honestly kinda disappointed with myself hahhaha. i mean, i felt led and all but when the words came out it all sounded lifeless and wrong. which made me feel kinda meh, you know. i prayed for a stranger for the first time today. i felt like it didn't work. i kept using the same words and stuff for all three prayers. meh.
but i'm still trying and i know i'm being too critical. -_-
and i don't know, i feel like i'm not a good friend. i'm being there for my best friend but it's not working either. and i feel terrible, because she's been there all this while, all this..three years and there for me through the darkest period of my life (aiyoh so dramama hahah but that period happened before i accepted Christ) and yeah. but it happens right? i don't really think that.
i just wanna like, sit in a corner and think why all this things happen. i can't cheer her up like i used to. and everyone is being so dry and i'm tired of stupid "lol" when things aren't even..funny.
i know i have trust issues. i keep having that memory when i responded to that altar call last year about trust and i never cried so hard in my life before. ._. i don't know why but it's been echoing in my head for so long. and it scares me that the root of that problem links back long ago and i guess it takes time and all. skeletons in the closet. hah. hah.
and i never really told anyone what really happened, it triggers tears and fears and long stories and bad things and it's stupid how no one really decided to face the problem correctly. maybe one day i'll tell somebody but right now, i need the time. i'm not afraid, it's like one of those skeletons came to life and is constantly reminding me.
"Remember that time?"
"Yes, that time." i want to tell people what God did during my childhood. it was like, the most amazing revelation ever. really. i don't know, i don't think anyone could have survived it. that. i'm sorry being vague and all. maybe one day i'll just open up and let it all out and for once, all those skeletons in that closet can get thrown into the dumpster and disappear forever.
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