my dad yelled at me for coming downstairs late and then he was screaming at me how time was really important to him and all. and all i wanted to do and say,"fine. if all that matters to you, why do you even bother anymore?"
i feel like i have a knack of pissing the people i really love off really easily. really. really. easily.
you know why? he ended up rambling how my mum felt that i treated my home as a hotel. he says i never talk to my parents and i never tell them about my life and what i do in church. you know, i never thought they actually cared. maybe my eyes has been closed all this while but i never realised, maybe my dad was right after all. and this thought popped in my head,"hah, me, take initiative? why not you?" i don't know. maybe it's the generation gap. maybe i know that i tried before and i just, i just gave up. ._. my dad never really listens sometimes and all he did was feign attention and that did it for me. but even if i don't try anymore, nothing will happen.
i'm mentally tired out right now.
i frustrated my maths teacher today. she made me cry with her words and then she finally went,"Don't you see my frustration? I don't even understand how you got into my class!" that did it for me. i was constantly fighting back tears and telling myself,"don't cry, please don't cry. don't cry." and she kept shooting me.
"How Joelyn? How are you going to continue with this topic?"
"How?" "You're one of the three failures."
"How?" "How come you cannot even do simple mathematics?"
"Why this one you also cannot solve?"
"You've failed every single maths test the entire time last year."
shit. i failed the current two this year.
and then before i knew it, i just started to cry. it was terrible.
and she was kinda shocked, i guess she didn't think i would cry. she said i improved but it wasn't good enough. i was, wait, i am still failing. and she calmed down bit but she told me she had to push me hard. you know what, i hate maths. really.
maybe i made the wrong choice when i was doing my streaming at secondary 2. i should have gone to the average class. i should have done art instead. what was i thinking? yeah, i was failing math and then i was getting Bs for math but everyone else in my current class were getting As.
and i'm like, heck yeah, okay, fine. it's just a setback.
i cried. my teacher discouraged me and hit me in the place where i was trying to keep it together for so long. i nearly cried last week because i couldn't get maths anymore. i don't know.
the rest of the day went okay. i walked in the rain.
the amazing race went great. i had a good time.
then my mum told me my maths teacher called.
and exploded. she wants to ground me. for a long period of time. i honestly want to retort. i honestly want to scream,"Don't you know how hard it is? Don't you know I really want to get tuition but I know I'll just burden you again? Don't you know I hate failing your expectations and you don't get it anymore and I cry?"
who cares if i cry? who cares?
go away. you'll never get it. everything always looks too easy for you.
i'm probably just another ranty teenager. .___.
i wish i could drop out of my class. i really want to.
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