if you don't want to see me again, i would understand.

i always dreamt of it. you would leave us and you will leave and i will take care of the two of them.

i promised myself ever since i was young that i wouldn't leave them even if they broke my heart too many times and there are times i cry because of them and that you know, that i know they're the only reason why i truly cry.

the cracks in our relationships are cracking. the broken shards we tried to tape/glue, those cracks we still can see. there's nothing we can do because i know even if i tried to confront it they would deny it.

they would deny it so bad and they would blame us.

sometimes i wonder why they are who they are.

why does money drive them so badly.

why? ._. fuck.

crescendo descendo

sometimes when you miss something you wanted so much because of certain circumstances and unluckiness and end up spending your night alone while everyone you know is at raffles jubliee hall, it can either be a really good, bad or neutral night.

so, i think in my previous posts, i wrote how much i wanted to go to crescendo. like some psychopath. and today i spent my day in school hoping a ticket would fly out of the sky and into my hands and i would jump for joy. or some random student would feel so generous and give me their ticket. yeah, right. it didn't happen. so i ended up moping at home thinking how i was gonna waste my time on such a friday and i ended up sleeping on it. hm. then my mum didn't know i was home and didn't buy me dinner and i'm sick of eating tv dinners because i hate microwaving salmon and rice which is really weird. yeah.

then my sister came home with her crazy eye makeup her friend inspired her to wear. and she looks scary because of her spectacles and i really want to be frank about it and scream,"DANGIT YOU LOOK LIKE MEDUSA WHO WANTED TO BE TEACHER AND SCARE EVERYONE WITH YOUR EYES EXCEPT THEY DON'T TURN INTO STONE!" but of course i don't really say that and i don't even end up saying anything. she was being really bitchy lately so it's like a dry season in my family. no one really talks, it's just like "mmh, ya, ya." and then she thought i was being really emo because she didn't let me go online. uhh, no, i wasn't, it was because i couldn't go to crescendo. which is also rather stupid, i realised. oh well.

i ended up making an outfit for tomorrow. i think it'll look nice. hmmm.

i miss taking pictures but my sister loaned the camera out to a friend and who knows when the camera will return. maybe yixin was right, when the week is for lower secondary assembly, the week sucks. this week been terrible. : \

is it possible that personality traits are herditary? if mood swings are then what about that? i wish i knew why the heck we have so many problems and i hate that it's linked to money. okay.

oh yes, i just finished washing my clothes and usually people throw the water in the pail onto the floor or into the toilet bowl right? i'm left with one sock. i think i accidentally flushed the second sock down the toilet. crap. my mum wanted to kill me, ahha. now you can laugh at me. :w

there goes two bucks. i__i

(and i really did write this on friday but i posted it on saturday hahaha what)

stare what stare what

I HAVE TENDENCIES TO REMOVE THINGS.

hmm. there was speech day yesterday, i went okay. besides the fact that the guy who shook my hand and gave me the award was so cold and mean and i got a bit annoyed.
man: good morning.
me: hai. :D
man: -_-
then, suddenly, he said to the guy behind me,"YOU'RE NOT SMILING!"

and i was like. woah, okay, maybe you got off the bed at the wrong side yesterday morning but geez! i really expected a : ) and a congratulations not a dull dull dull..reaction. meh, but we can't expect everything right?

woo, lame rant!

MAKE UP YOUR MIND

this predicament cannot get any worser.

it did. it really did.

i'm completely uncontactable! really! unless i'm online.

don't try to call me, don't try to text me. you'll get that computerised voice going.

"You have reached the number of (number here or i think it's this gay recording of me screaming banana), please leave a message after the tone. BEEP" my poor phone, it's been two weeks!

i'm like, staring at my phone, hoping it'll vibrate with a message but then i realised it's dead. DEAD! i hate dead phone lines.

maybe it was because a middle aged woman screamed at this teenage boy on his bike, who sped past her and accidentally whacked her arm and she screamed,"BASTARD!" at him that shook me a bit. maybe it's because i'm really tired and situations and people aren't my cup of tea for now.

I KNOW HOW TO DO MY POA HOMEWORK. YEAH.

maybe someday, we'll figure all this out.

today i learnt you can't advice someone till you've been in that situation yourself.

and that you can't go around, judging what someone's doing and say,"what the, that's stupid what they're doing to themselves." until you felt it yourself. seriously.

and it's so damn screwy how my weeks have been lately, so damn screwy.

i'm losing control of every crappy thing possible, it's getting to a point that i really don't know what to do anymore. (wah lao emo) it's like i go to school, thinking, "oh crap how i spent my money till i only have this much left?!" and i'm thinking what kind of issues we're all facing and it came to one point.

money money money money money

money's so fucked. mind my language.

okay, once this phase is over i swear i won't let money screw my life.

or relationships.

i'm too lazy to upload anything.

oh yeah, today i went across the road to buy a drink. so it started to drizzle and i'm like,"hmm, should i go to the shelter or just walk under the rain?" i walked under the drizzle.

then it got heavier then i just strolled along like nobody's business. and i was getting slightly soaked and then it came to a point i thought,"shelter? but i'm already wet so what's the point?"

it's like when you're late but you can't decide whether to go slow because you're already late or go fast because you're damn kiasu and you still wanna be there 'earlier' even though you're late.

then i saw this huge bird under a tree, it was bigger than a pigeon. and it was a really pretty bird. i felt like it came out of a black and white film. and yes, i was being a freak in the rain in a uniform with a red plastic bag going "oh my gosh, that is one awesome bird!"

i'm thinking of saying singlish for a week and see whether my english drops. hm.

brimming killer plastic

oh god, i hate dnt. what's dnt you may ask?

(yeah everyone knows what is but if you ever never heard of it then here's a very simple explanation why am i even explaining uh i also don't know)

dnt is design and technology. my sister calls it the technical side of art.

you sketch, you draw ideas but you have to actually bring the design to life. which is fucking hell really. D: you do measurements, that's okay. you have to find out what materials to use, sketch 2345325 times and etc etc. i'm actually pretty fine with the drawing sketching, the ideation the everything.

i just can't bring the design to life.

bring me to a machine and you can hear the artefact screaming like i'm that saw guy killing peoplez. except i don't feel good about it.

ask me to cut plastic i give you deformed plastic. serious.

ask me to cut wood in a curved line, i give you the saddest piece of wood with the ugliest cut ever. I AM SERIOUS. REALLY.

i really don't know the anatomy of a machine even if the demostration's there. i just nod, "yeah yeah yeah" but it goes out of my head.

oh well, i can't be good in everything, can't i?

i'm just glad i haven't killed anyone today.

my lovely piece of plastic is deformed, all scratched and rough. i had to get a lot of help and my classmates were saying,"you cut wrong already!!!" and i'm like,"i'm sad okay okay :c"

and karissa, sorry i laughed at that bun thing. i was being random. D:

i think i apologised a lot during dnt, i felt so frustrated. then my mind shut down on me. i couldn't even do homework for my favourite subjects. i couldn't think. nothing. like it blanked out on me. hahah.

AND YES ABOUT THE GENTING TRIP.

I MIGHT BE MEETING BELLYN AND MEI HUEY YES. AND THEN WE CAN GO TO THE THEME PARK AND EAT MCFLURRIES THOUGH I DON'T LIKE MCFLURRIES AND RIDE THE ROLLERCOASTER AND TALK TALK TALK. YEAH GENTING.

then again, i might write sooner or later. "they couldn't make it."

hope not. but anything could happen.

oh yes, like the new playlist? i love it, it's really on replay in my itunes.

the hangover doesn't last.

my mum found a cinch belt that got its buckle screwed up by the leaky aircon's water today. it was a really pretty belt but half of the buckle is all brown and rusted. :< but i think some baking soda + water and some scrubbing will save it! :D :D

okay, i wasn't gonna post today about some vintage belt! i was planning a rant! D: i was talking to my sister about getting a job next year and since i'm really damn picky, i don't wanna work at any fast food joints or do flyer distribution. so sue me. (no one's gonna hire me lol)

anyhoo, my sister told me to try internship under some design/photography companies and i didn't believe her. she told me noise singapore did that kind of thing and i went to check it out.

it's so awesome! but it's almost like a competition, you have to get selected and be taught under mentors of music/photography/art & design. how friggin' cool is that?! so erm, i found out i missed the deadline by a few months and i was really @#$@ed about it. then i realised it's for 2010.. ahhhhh, wtf, i can only join next year in october?!

ah, oh well. :<
okay, that was my super gay rant.

a shattered conscious staring right back at me

i just went for a class barbeque. 3/4 of the class went. it was weird because the weather kept changing. it was raining, then it was really sunny, then parts of the park were sunny and parts of the park was crazy with rain. it was a bit insane.

still, even though there were only 3 girls, it was fun. besides being scared to death thanks to a giantass bat and having my notebook being battered again, i would totally do it again.

there were like, half cooked chicken wings and bacon; too many photos taken (i will upload some tomorrow), too many swears being spread around, a lot of laughs, dancing and korean music.

teehee. i look like a retard in those pictures. weeee.

i'm going out for a film photoshoot tomorrow. i think.

and i stupidly got myself to attend some extremely distant relative of mine's wedding.

she's my dad's sister's daughter. my cousin?! again?! (another cousin just got married previously) i think it's a big event though, when i realised what i agreed to because i just woke up, my mum told me it was too late because seats are limited and it was only five minutes and my dad already called my aunt.

or, my mum just sabotaged me to tag along with her.

i do not like fake smiling at distant relatives and then they go,"oh, your daughter?"

"the last time i've seen her, she was a baby!" maybe, they lied, i bet they never ever seen me before. or,"oh my! she grown so tall!" geez, it makes me feel like i grown a bit but i haven't.

"she looks a lot like you/your husband!"

apparently, you can see my distinct dislike with attempted connections with distant relatives.

did that sound too complicated for you? oh, i just don't like to go for family gatherings?!

i feel too young. i was born twenty/ten years too late with my cousins.

if only i was born in 1983, i'll be 29, already influenced from the 80s and 90s and getting wed to some guy. then my almost same age (bloody distant) cousins can come to my wedding.

and not when i'm 25 and they're 41 or 51. or 62.

i'm not even sure whether i'll get married at 25.

IT DOES NOT HELP THAT MY OTHER COUSIN'S CHILDREN ARE AROUND MY AGE AND THAT THEY THINK THAT THEY'RE SO COOL THEY IGNORE MY EXISTENCE.

maan. and i thought i could finally have some awesome teenage relatives. :(

oh, they're probably too rich, they looked rich.

oh shit, i just talked a whole lot of shit.

damn, i have to wake up at 10 tomorrow morning to go to my cousin's wedding.

i'm not fond of weddings, they make me all jealous inside.

and i don't like to be forced to get up in the morning. z_z

aieeee.

AND I'M STILL BEING MOCKED BY SOME NAME.

IT'S EVERYWHERE. EVERYWHERE.

literally.

EVERYWHERE.

i shan't say anything.

fake angry song -

i realised scream by zac efron in the high school musical three soundtrack is such a fake angry song. oh well, what to expect.

i think i was being racist today. maybe.
i'm not ever gonna laugh so hard early in the morning, it's bad. i realised today was one of the best guitar lessons, i never laughed like this in class before.
though the wrath of chords is killer.

the decency of food in the house is going stale.
oh yes, i accidentally burnt my tongue when i was drinking soup today. my tongue stings so badly now.

memories.

i was cleaning up the junk in my computer. i found an old blog entry.
and plenty of photos. (:

Edited as it was too crazy. This was written on 25th May 2008, my sister and Erin's birthday.


It's a nice Sunday, it's my dolly's birthday and my beloved evil sister's birthday.

She's turning 19 today.
I'm talking about my sister.

Not Erin.

I would have taken photos of Erin but the thing is, Danial has my camera and he's not home so I can't contact him. :l aw, geez.
Well, i guess I'll have to resort to my mum's phone.
I'm listening to music being fast forwarded. My computer killed my Itunes. My mum found this way awesome vintage-like electric blue speakers and they're cool except the music is super soft. Now, that sucks.
I'm swapping between those blue speakers and the ones I always use, yeah it sounds pretty soft but it's really good stuff. About my current ones, well, they're half-dead but give out the best sounds ever.But, I stole them from my mother's other computer who I killed.

I just realised that all the computers that I have been using, has always been slower, more dead and useless. Well, I have been downloading games when I ever got to use them and I guess Maplestory, Pristontale and The Sims are games that use a lot of memory. Plus, I have been going onto to MiniClip and Y8 and Candystand and other game sites. Teehee.
I'm going to Malaysia later, it's going to be a bore, yeahs. Same chinese food, maybe shopping. I'll probably observe the shoppers and see how they're different from Singaporeans. Yeah, I'm pretty bored. But, we get super cheap things for like, cheaper! Danial, come home.
I want my camera back. T_T Don't delete the photos that I want to blackmail you.

"He said you,"
"Birds can fly so high they can shit on your head and they can almost fly into your eyes and make you feel so scared but when you look at them and see that they're beautiful, that's how I feel about you,"

Random lyrics. (: I finally got to watch this particular Phineas and Ferb episode where I've been waiting to watch since Valentine's Day. It was like awesome, I loved it. Phineas and Ferb formed a band, got a one hit wonder, threw a fit, heard their music in the elevator and then did a reunion tour within one day. Which was so cool. I tell you, the people who created Phineas and Ferb are geniuses!
Well, I think I'm gonna ask my dad for money. I want to buy The Click Five's album, Modern Minds and Pasttimes. I just realised I love their pop music.

"He met her in the phone,"
"He took her to a movie,"

Well, last night, Estella and I talked on the telephone for ages, she ate laksa while I ate curry instant noodles at midnight, we talked about everything. Everything.The Click Five, boys, well, everything!
Then, we played the bombing game on the telephone which was super funny because she kept bombing my dog and I kept laughing like crazy. XD Well, it's strange to describe but I tell you, it was great.

"I'm waiting, waiting for nothing,"
"You're waiting, waiting for something,"
"When did your heart go missing?"

Yesterday, I went to the Expo. I was suppose to meet up with Danial at noon but he cancelled. Well, I'm going to cake him someday. But the chocolate's getting stale. :l Well, anyway, yesterday, I ate at Macau Express. Good stuff and was I stuffed!
My mum dragged me to the food fair and they were all the same things, I tried papaya soy milk, it tasted like papaya but the aftertaste tasted like soy milk. Which was strange in a good way. I don't know why, but I felt sick looking at those fattening squids dipped in chilli sauce.
Moral : Do not go to a food fair when you're freaking full.

It's a horrible idea. I saw a tent called Yummy House and I thought,"Donuts!" Then, it hit me. Why aren't there donuts at food fairs??? Apparantly, Yummy House sold honey and this guy was talking on the microphone, repeating the same thing, over and over again.
"If you got sore throat, eat honey."
"If you got sore throat, eat honey."
"If you got sore throat, eat honey."
LOL. Then, we got stuck in a human jam.
Then, I went to Robinson Sale, there were so many people. Not exactly so many. I went straight to the toys section and saw bubbles. Bubbles!
Strangely, I didn't see any Barbie things which was weird because, Barbie was always EVERYWHERE! But not there. Strange. Anyway, there was Xboxes and PS3s and a lot of boys were playing. There was this boy, he was playing PS3 and he kept making useless sounds. o_O"
"Yeah!"
"WOAH!"
"YEAAH."
"WOOT."
And it was really really loud. I tried persuading my mum to get me a bubble gun but she wouldn't get it for me. ): I like bubbles.
Well, I wonder what kind of things we'll get at Malaysia.



photos.

i drew this horse at twelve.

the bear is frankie, i adored him. but i lost him at a foodcourt.

he's gone.

hello tiffany james and the little imperfect guitar

i feel somewhat inferior when i read literature paragraphs written by other people.
and their character profiles with real pictures of one person, either female or male. though the first thing that appears in my mind says,"I wonder if they stole that photo and edited it themselves,"
i don't know how to do that, simply taking somebody's photo and using it for my character profile. if i even start one. if i can, i rather take self-portraits of myself.
that'll never happen.

anyhow, i hardly roleplay anymore. firstly, usually, the plots are disgustingly cliched or, character profiles are somewhat required. i used to write a lot, now i don't.
i might take up writing again. i wrote this a couple weeks ago.
please leave constructive criticism on my tagboard. (:

Tiffany James always hated her name. She was never proud of it, she believed the name belonged to the stereotypical bitchy blondes in cheerleader's uniform with their obnoxious giggles and never-ending gossip. Tiffany always called herself Gala, it was malay for bamboo pole. But who would ever call themselves a bamboo pole? Her reason?
She was so thin, she often compared herself to a bamboo pole. And, no one would ever know gala meant "bamboo pole" instead of festivity. Well, except those who learnt malay.

Tiffany would be usually mistaken for having white hair from afar, but her hair was really a light shade of blonde. It was long with a straight flat fringe. She usually wore dresses in monotones with her glittery silver ballet flats.
Tiffany lived far from school. She studied in a special school.

that was how far i got to.
i don't know if i want to post it on fictionpress. i intended to post it on quizilla but quizilla has been taken over by a bunch of writers writing cliches or fan fiction.

-
i took out my guitar after a month of hating it.
i planned on getting a classical and then playing with my acoustic. well, i changed my mind.
i missed the smell of wood it gave out.
and the design of white leaves, a gold flower protruding out where a gold bird is taking its honey.

(: