i want a surprise party on my birthday

but if i know it's a party then it's no surprise anymore

just sayin'

road two.

God is so good. So good.

Don't challenge.

stop trying to interfere with my life from afar.

why do i try so hard when it all falls to deaf ears?

we've gotten so used to offending each other at home. it feels like the norm.

oh well. .__.

having a really shit mood swing now. z_z

and i'm being judgemental and all, it's not a really nice feeling.

urghguh, i want to go shopping.

stop running away.

i cry and cry and cry and cry.

what's the point anymore?

URGH RANT

i had a really bad day today.

my dad yelled at me for coming downstairs late and then he was screaming at me how time was really important to him and all. and all i wanted to do and say,"fine. if all that matters to you, why do you even bother anymore?"

i feel like i have a knack of pissing the people i really love off really easily. really. really. easily.

you know why? he ended up rambling how my mum felt that i treated my home as a hotel. he says i never talk to my parents and i never tell them about my life and what i do in church. you know, i never thought they actually cared. maybe my eyes has been closed all this while but i never realised, maybe my dad was right after all. and this thought popped in my head,"hah, me, take initiative? why not you?" i don't know. maybe it's the generation gap. maybe i know that i tried before and i just, i just gave up. ._. my dad never really listens sometimes and all he did was feign attention and that did it for me. but even if i don't try anymore, nothing will happen.

i'm mentally tired out right now.

i frustrated my maths teacher today. she made me cry with her words and then she finally went,"Don't you see my frustration? I don't even understand how you got into my class!" that did it for me. i was constantly fighting back tears and telling myself,"don't cry, please don't cry. don't cry." and she kept shooting me.

"How Joelyn? How are you going to continue with this topic?"

"How?" "You're one of the three failures."

"How?" "How come you cannot even do simple mathematics?"

"Why this one you also cannot solve?"

"You've failed every single maths test the entire time last year."

shit. i failed the current two this year.

and then before i knew it, i just started to cry. it was terrible.

and she was kinda shocked, i guess she didn't think i would cry. she said i improved but it wasn't good enough. i was, wait, i am still failing. and she calmed down bit but she told me she had to push me hard. you know what, i hate maths. really.

maybe i made the wrong choice when i was doing my streaming at secondary 2. i should have gone to the average class. i should have done art instead. what was i thinking? yeah, i was failing math and then i was getting Bs for math but everyone else in my current class were getting As.

and i'm like, heck yeah, okay, fine. it's just a setback.

i cried. my teacher discouraged me and hit me in the place where i was trying to keep it together for so long. i nearly cried last week because i couldn't get maths anymore. i don't know.

the rest of the day went okay. i walked in the rain.

the amazing race went great. i had a good time.

then my mum told me my maths teacher called.

and exploded. she wants to ground me. for a long period of time. i honestly want to retort. i honestly want to scream,"Don't you know how hard it is? Don't you know I really want to get tuition but I know I'll just burden you again? Don't you know I hate failing your expectations and you don't get it anymore and I cry?"

who cares if i cry? who cares?

go away. you'll never get it. everything always looks too easy for you.

i'm probably just another ranty teenager. .___.

i wish i could drop out of my class. i really want to.

i'm still figuring things out.

i still am. tonight, i sat alone in the park with God and i just talked to Him.

and i sat there, wondering what's up with me and life.

i'm really tired right now. i feel like i have nothing to care for tonight. my eyes sting.

i got to know my goliath tonight.

ok.

ok.

ok.

ok.

i feel like distracting myself so my paranoia won't get to me.

i feel like distracting myself so i wouldn't think and write stupid things.

who am i in your life?

i don't want to think of giving up whenever i see or read things. or when you do things.

no.

ok

"With everything, we will shout forth Your praise." - With Everything, Hillsong United

Dear God, thank You for saving me 365 days ago when I was a terrible wreck and I had so much shit in my life. Thank You for Your grace and mercy, even when you broke down those walls and opened that door of my heart. Thank You for being there for me when I needed You and when I shed so many tears or when I was mad or glad or confused. Thank You for hearing out my random questions and at times when I say silly things. Thank You for Your guidance and even despite all the setbacks and all the mistakes I've made, thank You for still being there for me when You knew I was making a mess and when I was doing the wrong things.

and when i fought with unbelief, God, thank You for Your reassurance that You are real.

open the eyes of your heart

i wanted to give up today. i was faced with a setback and all i wanted to do was give up.

i feel like you're too dependent on me. grow some wings, without me where would you go?

sometimes, you need to learn how to step out of that comfort zone and learn to fly.

i feel like i'm giving in too much. i feel if i continue doing this to you, you'll never learn.

you're too stubborn. and honestly, sometimes, you don't take serious things seriously.

you take them as a joke. your health is not a joke. i want to shake you awake.

i want to shake you till your eyes open. i want to shake you till you realise you have to stand up for yourself. i want to shake you that you cannot be dependent on somebody and sometimes, you have to be on your own and spread your wings and fly. is this considered reaching out?

or is this considered, because i know you're wounded but you take me more than i am?

you don't love yourself enough.

i pray that your eyes will open, i pray for independence in your life, i pray that you will learn to take initiative.

i'm slightly peeved by what you're doing but i don't really want to end up telling you about it. i'll get mad. but you need to wake up. wake up. wake up. wake up. wake up.

please wake up. ._.

the part that was missing

i was jealous today. i guess it was envy and jealousy and you know what?

it hit me so bad, my mood changed. it takes a lot to change my mood.

okay, not really, besides words and thoughts but really, for a thought to change my entire mood, it really has to mean something. i feel so weird that i can't bring myself to tell anybody this today but i don't know, i just didn't know who to tell.

it feels weird not to. do we really need a best friend to tell our thoughts to?

and it feels even weirder when i can't tell my best friends because they wouldn't get it because they're not christian. yes, hi, this is a christian post but i guess you could try to understand where i'm going with this.

there was salvation in church today. and we all rejoiced and were all happy and cheery and clapping there was a part of me that was jealous. jealous because a thought went,"when will any of my friends get saved? when will that day come when i get to go down with a friend who wants to accept Jesus into their lives?" wow, i sound selfish.

i sound selfish. ._.

i feel so disconnected lately. like i can talk but there's a part of me that can still think separately while i'm talking. or i can listen to someone speak to me but i'm still separate from whatever i'm doing. i feel like i'm going mad.

i am so tired.

and i feel confused.

i don't know why but there are questions wavering in my head.

i was so discouraged today. day two of this seminar we were all forced to go meant we had to made goal settings for our studies and that meant writing the grades we wanted to see after the results of our national exams got out. the coach said we should be realistic and gave us examples.

you know what sucks? i can't do realistic goal settings for my maths because even if i did, i would just pass. and that just isn't good enough. ._. i need to work triply hard even if my maths teacher is just alright and that DNT is going to suck the living daylights out of me.

i don't understand why i'm so paranoid tonight, i don't understand why i'm so discouraged. i'm not mean to feel all this but yet i am. it makes me wonder if i'm doing things right. am i?

i don't know how long i can keep myself together.

"for those out there who are struggling, struggling with your parents looking down on you, struggling with what people say, what your relatives say, know that nobody in this world can judge you. not even yourself. only God can judge you."

one of teachers told us this today and i felt so impacted again. she's a christian and really, what she says make sense. nothing else matters but God.

i'm so paranoid right now. but okay. okay.

pms beginning, moods waning, cravings starting. ugh, bring this crap on. :l

faith without works is dead

i don't want to to be dead.

where's the esteem where's the love where's the esteem

why do you look down on yourself?

why do you look down on yourself?

i just can't, do this alone okay?

i'm not alone, i'm not alone, i know that. but when you're physically alone in one place, it's hard. we aren't alone, we aren't but i really just need the support.

i need to say that. i needed that. i can't do it alone.

i just want to be ok

you know what sucks? when you know you're face to face to a distraction and you know you're not suppose to go forward, you're not suppose to even touch that distraction but the curiousity in you just wants to know and step forward and you just feed yourself with the distraction.

i am so distracted today. and i've been online since 8pm to do DNT. i am not tired but i feel frustrated. with that distraction, with work, with teachers, with people. and that my negative emotions has really made me a real paranoid person and that i realised i thought some things wrongly and then it makes me wonder why i was so convinced in the first place.

and when you're so inspired and so eager to do something but at the same time you feel so helpless and useless and you sit there where you're suppose to do something but all you do is just sit there and ask God,"How?" and then you realise you feel the regret that everyone feels when that burden comes but yet it's too late. when you realise the people who has been there all the time are now gone and now you're just so unsure what to do.

stupid distraction, go away. go away.
never say you'll never like anybody because in the end, you'll never know what will hit you next. i gotta fight this away, i don't need to like a guy right now. not now.
sigh.

the cry of our hearts

i am tired as heck with being so much of a friggin' loner in school.

you know, i'm not saying that because i'm alone, i'm used to it, i'm used to not talking anybody, i'm used to being judged by others, i'm used to finding other schoolmates who aren't my classmates. i'm used to it. it's awkward as it always is but i'm okay, i'm alright. i'm okay. and i didn't mean to venture how life is for me in school but right now, i feel a lot worse.

but that's not the point, you know? this isn't the point.
i am tired of being so comfortable in the silence, so comfortable of being a ghost and being an actual lurker. i am tired of what people think of me, i am tired of being watched and today, i felt it. i had enough you know? i don't care what people think anymore, i don't want to live under my expectations because i let myself eat myself alive.

i was talking to carrie about souls. like, she's isn't a believer of Christ but i told her that it would be terrifying if a friend of mine that i didn't save came up to me on my judgement day and asked me why i didn't save them and why i let them fall into Hell. and it scares me, i don't want any of my loved ones to go to Hell. my heart is for coral but i feel so lost, it's hard to be in school, seeing all these people but yet you don't know how to begin.

i was on the bus home today and i wanted to cry because it started to hurt when i just imagined people, even people i didn't know dying. and all the sin in my school, it hurt. it just did. and i didn't know what to do. i really didn't know what to do. i want to do something. ._.

i don't want this to end up being empty words. i mean it.
even though i'm afraid i won't do anything again. .__.

i can't believe i really liked you to that extent. i was looking through my notebook and yeah, i guess i really did like you. a lot.

and now looking back, i'm getting bad goosebumps and facepalming myself thinking,"gosh, what the heck was i thinking back then?" and i was thinking of all the things i went through, i chose to look onto a guy to save me instead. gosh. gosh.

a little bit.

i think i'm crazy. i'm eating a lot. since i didn't really get to eat much new year goodies, i'm eating a lot tonight hah.

you know i blogged about commitment? it's still failing. gosh.

i had a dream on saturday night that i fell in love.

aghh, these dreams are so frustrating. i don't want to get into a relationship.
i don't wanna fall in love.

zero commitment

i'm too tired to study for chem. but i'm still able to type that out. what is this?
gosh, committing to my studies is really hard.

and really, it's God's grace that i'm able to memorise my salts right now. my homework?
agh. i need to commit.

why can't you see that God loves you and He is there for you every single second minute hour day week year all the time?

but you rather spend all that pining on somebody? .__.

i honestly have no idea where all those words came from. man.
drafted because i thought my opinion came out way too strong, hahah.