faith without works is dead

i don't want to to be dead.

where's the esteem where's the love where's the esteem

why do you look down on yourself?

why do you look down on yourself?

i just can't, do this alone okay?

i'm not alone, i'm not alone, i know that. but when you're physically alone in one place, it's hard. we aren't alone, we aren't but i really just need the support.

i need to say that. i needed that. i can't do it alone.

i just want to be ok

you know what sucks? when you know you're face to face to a distraction and you know you're not suppose to go forward, you're not suppose to even touch that distraction but the curiousity in you just wants to know and step forward and you just feed yourself with the distraction.

i am so distracted today. and i've been online since 8pm to do DNT. i am not tired but i feel frustrated. with that distraction, with work, with teachers, with people. and that my negative emotions has really made me a real paranoid person and that i realised i thought some things wrongly and then it makes me wonder why i was so convinced in the first place.

and when you're so inspired and so eager to do something but at the same time you feel so helpless and useless and you sit there where you're suppose to do something but all you do is just sit there and ask God,"How?" and then you realise you feel the regret that everyone feels when that burden comes but yet it's too late. when you realise the people who has been there all the time are now gone and now you're just so unsure what to do.

stupid distraction, go away. go away.
never say you'll never like anybody because in the end, you'll never know what will hit you next. i gotta fight this away, i don't need to like a guy right now. not now.
sigh.

the cry of our hearts

i am tired as heck with being so much of a friggin' loner in school.

you know, i'm not saying that because i'm alone, i'm used to it, i'm used to not talking anybody, i'm used to being judged by others, i'm used to finding other schoolmates who aren't my classmates. i'm used to it. it's awkward as it always is but i'm okay, i'm alright. i'm okay. and i didn't mean to venture how life is for me in school but right now, i feel a lot worse.

but that's not the point, you know? this isn't the point.
i am tired of being so comfortable in the silence, so comfortable of being a ghost and being an actual lurker. i am tired of what people think of me, i am tired of being watched and today, i felt it. i had enough you know? i don't care what people think anymore, i don't want to live under my expectations because i let myself eat myself alive.

i was talking to carrie about souls. like, she's isn't a believer of Christ but i told her that it would be terrifying if a friend of mine that i didn't save came up to me on my judgement day and asked me why i didn't save them and why i let them fall into Hell. and it scares me, i don't want any of my loved ones to go to Hell. my heart is for coral but i feel so lost, it's hard to be in school, seeing all these people but yet you don't know how to begin.

i was on the bus home today and i wanted to cry because it started to hurt when i just imagined people, even people i didn't know dying. and all the sin in my school, it hurt. it just did. and i didn't know what to do. i really didn't know what to do. i want to do something. ._.

i don't want this to end up being empty words. i mean it.
even though i'm afraid i won't do anything again. .__.

i can't believe i really liked you to that extent. i was looking through my notebook and yeah, i guess i really did like you. a lot.

and now looking back, i'm getting bad goosebumps and facepalming myself thinking,"gosh, what the heck was i thinking back then?" and i was thinking of all the things i went through, i chose to look onto a guy to save me instead. gosh. gosh.

a little bit.

i think i'm crazy. i'm eating a lot. since i didn't really get to eat much new year goodies, i'm eating a lot tonight hah.

you know i blogged about commitment? it's still failing. gosh.

i had a dream on saturday night that i fell in love.

aghh, these dreams are so frustrating. i don't want to get into a relationship.
i don't wanna fall in love.

zero commitment

i'm too tired to study for chem. but i'm still able to type that out. what is this?
gosh, committing to my studies is really hard.

and really, it's God's grace that i'm able to memorise my salts right now. my homework?
agh. i need to commit.

why can't you see that God loves you and He is there for you every single second minute hour day week year all the time?

but you rather spend all that pining on somebody? .__.

i honestly have no idea where all those words came from. man.
drafted because i thought my opinion came out way too strong, hahah.

i don't want to follow death and all his friends

hey guys, it's another moody rant and this time, it may be a little offensive.
um, so yeah. it's pretty long and doesn't make a bit of sense but it's just what's been on my mind. happy reading? hah. hah.

i was thinking about relationships today. and i don't know, i think today i really made the decision of not ever getting into a relationship. yet.
though everyone wants to and i wanted to previously but i've thought about it long and hard, i don't think i ever want to anymore. and yes, even though i may crush on guys because i'm a girl but i don't think i ever want to be in a relationship.

you know, getting into a relationship is like getting into a search of finding the one. the one who'll get it why you're sad or why you're mad or why you're just crazy over little things. the one is the one you want to see when you open your eyes every morning, the one who will be there when you had the best day of your life or your very worst and the one is the one who you will have your kids with and grow old with and yeah. the one is your soulmate and he or she is out in this world and you wouldn't know who he or she is till that very day, you realise he or she is the elusive one. heck, he or she could be your neighbour, your classmate, the noisy guy who lives below you because he plays halo on his computer all day or the really mysterious girl in school who garners everyone's attention by the way she acts. you could have met him or her in the street and wouldn't have known. you wouldn't have known that she or he listens to michael buble or loves watching the star wars trilogy or likes singing at random like you do. you wouldn't have known.

now, that idea sounds really awesome doesn't it? yeah, me too. me too.
i don't know, the reality of it all is sinking into me and it's true you know, we are way too young to look for the one. and yeah, some people get real lucky and already have met the one but they wouldn't know. i know, you're feeling damn stubborn and thinking,"chey only, you don't get it. i like him or her and yeah, i am not too young okay." okay, up to you, it's really my opinion. it's my blog lol.

i once read this on a table in school. it wrote,"don't fall in love, it's better if you jump off a bridge." and i guess it's true, when you go through hardship and breakups, your heart breaks a million times. when the one you like or the one you deem you 'love' rejects you, your heart shatters and all you kinda lose the meaning to live. hi, i would like to say this. you were not born for this person, you are not living for this one girl or guy and i don't care what that secondhand serenade song says, you were not born to tell him or her that you love her or him. okay?

stop looking for somebody to love. don't be like bieber and make a song out of it. even if it's a nice song. he's too young, you are too young. and i sound like i know it and crap, but it's my blog, freedom of speech yo. you don't want to end up liking somebody and then your grades fall because you cannot concentrate. don't be like me. and if you can concentrate, well, kudos to you. stop searching for somebody to love.

it's not worth it right now. don't be like those people who killed themselves because they felt they lost all meaning to live just because they broke up with the people they loved. it's hard and all, but it just isn't worth it.

i've been thinking. i don't want to bare my vulnerability to any guy because i like him and only to get hurt time and time again. i don't want to keep on trying and believing even though i know one day i'll meet this guy. but it's not time, being a teenager is the prime of your life. falling in love may be part of the process as a teen but it's not the entire thing. i've seen so many people looking for love and they're still on that search but please, stop looking for love.

look at the people who already love you. your parents. your siblings. your friends. but you can tell me,"it's not the same."
yeah, it may feel like it isn't the same because you are telling yourself it's not the same. these people may not be the ones who you want to hug because you had a bad day or the ones you want to be there for you when you need somebody to talk to. you don't trust them well enough or they just don't get you. that's what you tell yourself but have you really given them the chance? okay, let's say you did and it failed. sorry, but it doesn't really give you the opportunity to look for somebody to love. ask yourself this question.

why do you need that special somebody?
is it because you envy couples? is it because you want to hold somebody's hand and talk about anything with them?

i don't know but i believe God is doing something in my heart because right now, i couldn't really bother about all these. and this is coming from somebody who has constant thoughts about finding the one. i'm serious.
gosh, i'm sounding a lot different from before. yes, i may still be an emotional monster and be scaring the shit out of people with my antisocial-ness and my issues but i don't need a guy. gosh. yeah, i may have like a gazillion thoughts how this guy could be and all and read and see all these amazing love stories but it's all in God's hands. and He knows and i knows, i'm clearly not ready for it. and i don't want to waste my last four years as a teenager searching for that one guy even though it gets really annoying when i see couples hahahha.

and maybe it's because of what happened in the past but i don't want to end up being hurt because these two years are my super crucial years and yeah. this is my opinion. yup.

gosh, i write so long alamak hahaha.

so amazingly tired but i think i thrive on writing things that are like, spilling out of my mind. i still keep dreaming about people, it sort of weirds me out but i guess they're just dreams.


today i was walking home and i saw this woman burning paper money.
and sometimes i just constantly ask God,"God, is this woman in Your mind?"
"God, are these people in Your mind?"

and i believe every single person is on His mind. and yeah.

yeah. yes, i don't really know why i wrote that hahaha.

don't let me go.

do you know how scared i am for you?
i know i can't transcend what i want to say to you in my words. i know that.

what am i suppose to do.

what am i suppose to do. ._.

flanges

oh yeah, remember that 30 word chinese spelling thing? i thought it was next week.
it was today. freaking today. ._. i don't know but my chinese teacher decided to make it a game for the class.


you know you're in deep trouble when you have tried your best to pay attention during maths and you sit in the front but you still don't understand the entire chapter of vectors. and everyone else does and you're like, what the hell is wrong with me why can't i process anything.


wah lao, why am i so asddfldsgngsesjf;d.

argshfsg.

THIS IS ANOTHER RANT. I GUESS IT'S PMS.
okay, here's the part where i go, i seriously fail as a friend.

you know, being good in english doesn't necessarily mean i'm good with words. it doesn't mean i'm good at consoling people or encouraging them and i really suck at saying the right things at the right time. and i don't know what the heck is going on with me but my moods are going downhill, i feel like shit, people are getting to me and the past is like this recorded movie playing in my head.

it's all back to square one again and it sucks like hell. i'm trying to be positive but i just can't. sometimes i can't help to wonder,"huh, what did i do last time that makes you dislike me?" i'm not meant to be here to please you but sometimes you can't help but wonder what you do irks others and they can't be bothered to tell you what bothers them and sometimes, they don't understand what they do really really really hurts. it's crap.

i feel so trapped. and i don't even know why.

do you know it's scary when you wake up at 7:20pm and you realise you're all alone at home in the dark and you woke up because you heard someone call you in your dream to wake up because if you don't, you pretty much waste your evening? sigh.
my mum can't write me a letter of excuse for last tuesday and miss shee is hunting me down like some freaking target. i am so frustrated that my mum openly ignores me.

gosh. i just want to shut off from everything right now.

you know what, i don't really wanna care about those skeletons. they're not the main priority right now. sigh, it's the past. even if they do show up and are the reasons of why some of my relationships are like this, then i guess. yeah.

did you see the contradiction in that? i just did. IT WON'T GO AWAYYYY.

but yeah, forget it for now.

all this.

hi, just another rantful post because i'm all ranty like that yo.

man, i like this cold weather. i may be wearing my favourite uniqlo winter wear check shirt and a hoodie from korea meant for winter but i'm still cold. and i'm still really tired and no, i don't know why. okay, i only had like 7 hours of sleep today. I'M SUPPOSE TO SLEEP IN ON MY WEEKENDS.

so out of key manzx. z_z

yeah. generations vanguard makes me awkward hahahah. but i think i'll learn.

you know what's weird? i always have a problem when i go to church. not like with people or what, i get preoccupied with my thoughts, i get tired and that causes me not to able to concentrate and i just keep yawning and I REALLY DON'T KNOW where all that stupid yawning comes from. it's like something in me goes,"OH GO CHURCH/CELL AH. OKAY." -triggers joelyn chen's instant yawn function- -____- super sian+annoying. hahaha.

i was so disconnected today. i don't know why, i just was. i was convinced i was gonna end up crying on my own today with God but that didn't happen. like, you know you're gonna cry because you know God is there but then something doesn't trigger it until someone says something or prays for you or i don't know, circumstances? it just didn't happen.

i prayed for like three people today. accomplished? maybe, honestly kinda disappointed with myself hahhaha. i mean, i felt led and all but when the words came out it all sounded lifeless and wrong. which made me feel kinda meh, you know. i prayed for a stranger for the first time today. i felt like it didn't work. i kept using the same words and stuff for all three prayers. meh.

but i'm still trying and i know i'm being too critical. -_-

and i don't know, i feel like i'm not a good friend. i'm being there for my best friend but it's not working either. and i feel terrible, because she's been there all this while, all this..three years and there for me through the darkest period of my life (aiyoh so dramama hahah but that period happened before i accepted Christ) and yeah. but it happens right? i don't really think that.

i just wanna like, sit in a corner and think why all this things happen. i can't cheer her up like i used to. and everyone is being so dry and i'm tired of stupid "lol" when things aren't even..funny.

i know i have trust issues. i keep having that memory when i responded to that altar call last year about trust and i never cried so hard in my life before. ._. i don't know why but it's been echoing in my head for so long. and it scares me that the root of that problem links back long ago and i guess it takes time and all. skeletons in the closet. hah. hah.

and i never really told anyone what really happened, it triggers tears and fears and long stories and bad things and it's stupid how no one really decided to face the problem correctly. maybe one day i'll tell somebody but right now, i need the time. i'm not afraid, it's like one of those skeletons came to life and is constantly reminding me.

"Remember that time?"

"Yes, that time." i want to tell people what God did during my childhood. it was like, the most amazing revelation ever. really. i don't know, i don't think anyone could have survived it. that. i'm sorry being vague and all. maybe one day i'll just open up and let it all out and for once, all those skeletons in that closet can get thrown into the dumpster and disappear forever.

i walked in the rain back home today. i was gonna cross the road and a driver drove a bit too fast and nearly, nearly, hit me and i stepped backwards to let him drive. and he didn't drive either and um, it was green man so i took the initiative to cross instead.

he horned at me. and gosh, it really frustrates the shit out of you when you're already dead tired and hungry and you just want to go home. ._.

i was thinking about something today. yes, it is time for another indirect rant! yayyy. i think if you know me and know what happened last year and stuff, you'll get it. sorry lah, hah. hah. and if you don't, ah well.

you know that taylor swift song that goes,"when you're fifteen, somebody is tells you they love you, you're going to believe them"? stupid right, i can't believed there was actually a part of me that believed the crap you told me. and i don't like how reality sinks to me in later parts and you know what, you don't know what love is, don't you? you were misusing this term, so much.

it's not love. it's infatuation.

sorry, i had to get that out of my system. ._.

my phone broke today. so um, i'm in the midst of changing it and yeah, that's why i'm awake right now.

tye-yerd.

i think i've like typed it, said it so many times but I AM TIRED.

and you'll be like,"OF COURSE YOU'VE BEEN SLEEPING SO LATE LIKE ALL THE TIME OF COURSE YOU'RE TIRED."

here's the part where i go,"HAH!"

WHY? you wanna know why? i've been cultivating good sleeping habits hahhaha. really, i've been having like 7 - 9 hours of sleep lately but i'm still so tired. i think my human clock is not used to this. @_@ i have free time today, so happy man. but i just spent an hour on it..online. which is a fail really, i won't have time for myself any time soon.

for example, my saturday's gone to flag day. it's only one day but yeah.

so technically, today is my weekend. and i'm just typing away like some bobo. sometimes i'm envious of people who have nothing to do, do-nothing days are so good. (Y)

but i'm not complaining, i like things the way they are. even though all i want to do right now is just to lie in bed and die hahah. anyway, ms jow told the class that her new year present for us is a 30+ chinese spelling on the first day of school after new year break.

BRING IT ON. srslyyyy, i am really like, psyched and i wanna do good for chinese. i am tired of almost failing and getting C6s. :c and then there's another chinese test the day after and uhm, a chinese compo test on valentine's day.

which kinda sucks. hahaha. idk, valentine's day has a lot of meaning to me although actually it really doesn't. the irony indeed. when i was sec 1, i saw a lot of coral couples during valentine's day and i was like,"aw." but yeah, who cares, that's not why valentine's day has meaning to me. (although it really makes me feel jealous/annoyed/meh every time i see a couple. i mean i GET IT, i'm a teenager and blahblah, yay you got a boyfriend/girlfriend but why do you couples prefer to walk around single people!?!?! D: -mini rant-) IT CALLS FOR CARDS.

CARDSSSSS. -hissing emphasis-

actually i haven't started. so there's a chance that i might not do cards. (like i did on christmas)

but...but..not to dash anymore hopes, fingers crossed i actually do anything.

anyway, i was drawing something for my art portfolio and it was raining and we were in the hut in school. (not a real hut, it's like, a mini sheltered area with a picnic table thing, idk how to explain) and by some magical chance, really, the wind was like magic. so i was drawing and i let the paper be with my marker on top of it and turned to look at my friend and the wind suddenly blew. and the paper, the awesome paper...it flew really awesomely and landed into a puddle.

a puddle you know. all my ink gone man. but it looks all faded and funny now. i like it. hahha, but i'm quite sad because i spent some time on it. even though it was only like, 6% done.

the words are inspired from this song called 'show me what i'm looking for' by carolina liar.

oh, wee, off to sort of enjoy my friday. :>

oh yeah, vanguard was awesome. i prayed for chairs and walls and doors and um, it was really really really funny. my prayers were so funny. like literally. haha!

who knew?

i signed up for the vanguard ministry. and i'm going for it tonighttt.

i am excited but i am really tired right now. i had like eight hours of sleep but i'm still tired.

miss shee started a new topic on maths today. oh my gosh, she gave us only four maths questions to do for homework and yixin finished it within the maths period and passed it up and i asked her,"huh, you finish so fast?!" and she replied,"ya, easy what."

i just tried doing it. oh my gosh, why is it so hard sdfsfza. :c

it's vectors! and miss shee did the examples like they were so easy. it makes me think i'm have real slow processing thoughts or i just don't get it. meh, gonna try asking her tomorrow during class because i srsly don't understand. it's using via pythagorus theorem right? then why am i wronggg.

ahhh. :_(

nevermind. it happens when we don't understand maths.

i went for my DNT consultation today. and mr chua said something that really shook me.

"You limit yourself before you even start doing anything!"

that's kinda true. situation is hard.

and yeah, it's very awkward when all my classmates can hear what's going on because everyone is in the library and all. ...awkward. i need to do a transcript based on the recorded conversation. hahahha, it mainly has me nodding and saying,"yeah yeah".

i was studying with dan today. and he fell asleep on the canteen bench and then he jolted awake. so funny man. he was super shocked and then he told me he had a falling dream and it scared the living daylight out of him. hahaha. (Y)

i think i'm a sadist about that. lol.

eh.

today, mr chung gave us a physics test. it was postponed for like a week but i didn't even study for it. i know, so fail right? i do mean that literally lol. he said if we failed it, we had to go for physics remedial. um, it was a test that consisted of all ten topics that we learnt last year.

before the test, wei keat asked mr chung,"eh cher, can DRA?"

"DRA? what's that?"

"Direct Remedial Admission."

what the heck, everyone just laughed. hahahah.

yeah. yeah. mrs ng told me i had to catch up in POA and she said i didn't do well last year because i missed school a lot. hm, yeah. i don't know, i had another dream last night. and it made me wake up at 2am and stay awake for 20 minutes because it felt so real and unreal at the same time. and i had to write that dream out because it really felt too real.

it was the first time i could remember and hear someone speak to me so audibly.

and that person in me that fell in love with the idea of falling in love awoke too and that person couldn't believe it. noo, i refuse to like any guy nonono. sometimes i really feel like my subconccious is like some boy hungry wolf. -_-

but it really scared me at the same time. in the dream, i had fallen from God and in my dream, i wished that came from God and that i felt God's love instead. and in my dream i was staring at my hand and on my hand, it wrote,"DON'T FALL FOR ANY GUYS."

ahaha. you know, it felt so real. really. i thought i really had fallen away from God. ._.

and waking up that it was all a dream was so reassuring and so scary. and like that dream, was seriously just me looking onto a guy for love hahahahha. but what that guy said, aw. my heart melted. and the bad thing is that i actually know that guy. >_<

so terrible.

oh well. thank God it's just a dream. it's just a dream.

#

yeah, it was my fault from the beginning.

cause' it's you in my arms tonight, i don't need a imitation

i missed school today.

not because i was sick or anything and no, i didn't miss school on purpose. okay, maybe i had a choice but i'll probably get screamed to death by some teacher if i did because it was so late and i don't really wanna explain what happened this morning because it really hurt me big time and it really showed how this person really is lah. but i suppose this person has their own reasons and if you're pissed i guess you would do the same. most likely.

yes, i prefer being vague and all because i can't believe i walked home with tears and people going to work/school just stared at me. so um, i felt so failed again because i was really really really led by my own emotions and i have tendencies to run when i'm mad. and yay for unlocked car doors?

no, no. not at all.

it's stupid, i wasted a day of school. ._.

i'm going to do homework and i'm so inspired by fashion for some reason but i can't draw right now, i have a lot of homework that's due tomorrow. -_- sigh.

i keep dreaming about people. i dreamt about the cell, like twice. it was interesting haha.

i dreamt about being in new york for the '2nd time'. apparently, previously in another dream, i was in new york hahah. and it was really cold like korea and i wasn't dressed for winter, i was wearing a short skirt and it felt cold but not so cold, you know?

then i dreamt about this one guy i sort of know but i really don't know him, i don't know why he was there even. like you know who he is but you don't really know him personally that kind of thing. hah. i kept elbowing him in my dream hahahha. and then suddenly we (we as in me and some random people who i deemed as friends but i never met them irl, they're just people with vague faces like when you try to focus your camera but their faces become unfocused?) started air gliding from building to building like in some race. it's not called air gliding but it's not paragliding either, i forgot the term. z_z and that guy disappeared and we were teleporting in lifts on roofs in new york.

yes man. in my head, new york is this futuristic teleporting roof place night funland.

you know what. i'm going to make this artefact so good, it's going to blow your freaking mind off.

argh. i am such an angry person.

FLEH.

i think i ranted enough today.

no, not i think. i did. i feel so wronged and angry and sad and mad and i feel like some damn paradox because i'm contradicting myself entirely.

i told myself to forgive.

i told myself to love despite what people do to me.

but it's so hard you know, it's so hard when you don't know how one small mistake can end up with you being scolded in front of the class and being taunted by a classmate who you treated so nicely.

the bible says we should treat people the way we want them to treat us. then why does this happen?

and it's hard. when you do something wrong and you draw a line because you're multitasking and your teacher scolds the shit out of you and tells you to grow up but all you did was erase an entire chart and draw a line. what did i do wrong? erasing something, not listening to you because i believe in my own decision making and drawing a line, multitasking, is it wrong? is it so wrong?

i am trying so hard not to swear right now.

but it isn't easy. nothing is. i had a long day. i am tired. i printed fourteen pages just for this subject. but what if i get rejected again and scolded again.

lately, reality makes me feel like there's no room for mistakes.

it's either you get it and if you screw up, then you're screwed. i hate it but i'm starting to judge you. you don't even remember my name. heck, you're biased and today you just convinced the shit out of me that you really are.

but you know what, since you're always forgetting my name, i rather be known as The Girl Who You Scolded Because She Apparently Wasn't Paying Attention To You.

i do okay. i do. we make mistakes. we all do. .__.

love in new wave.

i miss people.

i truly, really, miss people.

i miss how this person used to be. i miss spending time with another person.

if i had an ability, i would time-travel because all i want to do is to live in those good memories again.

but all i have are memories.

one day, i will forget all these good memories. i will lose those things that remind me of these memories. i will forget these people that i've loved and i will forget. forget.

forget.